Embracing the Anchor Within – Creating Safety Through Self-Attunement
Welcome back, Friends,
What helps you feel safe?
Is it certainty? I used to think so.
I believed that if I could plan for every outcome, prepare for every possibility, I’d never be caught off guard. I thought I’d feel grounded. Steady. Safe.
But, as many of us logically know, life rarely offers that kind of certainty. And trying to find safety through control left me caught in a cycle of anxiety I couldn’t think my way out of.
When I was around 23 years old, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder—along with dysthymia and major depression. I couldn’t see it clearly from the outside, but I could feel that something was off. I noticed how much energy I spent trying to anticipate everything—not just for myself, but for others too. Even planning a simple night out could feel overwhelming.
I remember thinking, “this can’t be right.” And that’s what nudged me toward change.
Since then, I’ve been on a long and layered journey. One that’s included therapy, medication, coaching, and more than a few stops and starts with self-care. It’s been nearly 20 years of building a toolbox I’ll continue to expand for the rest of my life.
One of the most important tools I’ve discovered—especially when it comes to calming anxiety—is also one of my core values: connection. As Gabor Maté writes, “Safety is not the absence of threat, it is the presence of connection.”
But connection, I’ve come to understand, isn’t just about others. It’s also about ourselves. That’s been one of the most impactful shifts I’ve made.
That said, I want to acknowledge that for many people—especially those with trauma or unresolved pain—connection to self might not feel like a safe starting point. Sometimes, we need safe relationships to remind us that connection can exist at all—that safety is possible. And that’s okay. Creating that safety is my main priority as a coach.
Still, what I’ve found over time is that self-connection can become a steadying presence. A soft but powerful anchor. And the more I nurture that internal relationship, the more balanced and fulfilling my relationships with others have become.
Here are a few ways that cultivating self-connection has supported a deeper sense of safety in my life:
It gives me an internal anchor—a sense of steadiness I can access no matter what’s happening around me.
It helps me tune in to what I’m feeling, needing, and believing—so I’m less likely to disconnect or people-please, and more able to show up with clarity and honesty.
It helps me notice when I’m feeling overwhelmed or dysregulated —even if I still spiral sometimes, I recognize it sooner and can respond with more care.
It softens the pressure I place on others to meet all my needs—I still want and value support and validation, but I’m learning how to offer those things to myself, too. That’s changed the way I relate to those I’m closest with. I no longer expect them to carry the full weight of my emotional world—and that shift has made space for more collaboration, rather than codependence. Conflict doesn’t feel so destabilizing.
It reminds me that I can be with discomfort without needing to fix it right away. That kind of presence builds self-trust. It tells the parts of me that are feeling hurt, anxious, or afraid: I won’t abandon you here. I might not have the answer right now, but I’ll stay with you while we figure it out together.
So often we search for safety outside of us—through approval, certainty, routine or relationships. And while all of those things can be supportive, they aren’t the full answer. What grounds me now isn’t having the answers, but being in relationship with myself when I don’t.
If you’d like to explore a few simple ways to strengthen this kind of inner relationship, I wrote more about that in an earlier piece: Embracing Self-Connection.
So no, self-connection doesn’t replace the value of others—it enhances it.
When I’m more attuned to myself, I show up in my relationships with more compassion, clarity, and curiosity. I’m able to communicate what I need, offer presence without overextending, and navigate challenges with less reactivity.
And the more I return to that relationship within, the more I remember: Safety isn’t about control. It’s about connection.
And connection is always available—especially when we learn how to offer it to ourselves.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
