Embracing Non-Attachment – Letting Go of Identity as a Fixed Story

Hi Friends,

Last week, we explored how easily we interpret things through the lens of what it means about us. This week, I want to build on that idea by exploring an even deeper question:

Who are you?

Are you your thoughts?
Your feelings?
Your beliefs or opinions?

What if…you’re none of those things?
What makes you you?

Maybe it's the way you care.
Or the things that light you up.
The values you return to, again and again.
Maybe it’s your ability to grow.

Beliefs can change. Roles can shift.
But our values—when consciously chosen—can become an anchor, not a cage.

We live in a world where it’s common to anchor our identity to labels and beliefs—so much so that we often begin to mistake them for who we are. Gender, race, political leaning, religion, relationship status, profession, socioeconomic status, ability, even age—these categories can start to feel like fixed parts of our identity. And if we look beneath the surface, many of them are tied to our sense of safety, belonging, and worth.

But beliefs are mental constructs. They’re ways we try to make sense of the world. And while they can offer comfort, community, or meaning, they don’t define who we are at our core.

We begin absorbing beliefs long before we’re even aware we’re doing it—at a time in life when belonging is essential to survival. The groups and environments we’re raised in shape how we see ourselves and others. As Gabor Maté writes, “before our minds can create the world, the world creates our minds.”
But when our attachment to those beliefs becomes rigid, it can limit us. It can lead to defensiveness, black-and-white thinking, or even harm in the name of protection. When someone or something questions that belief or system, we can feel threatened.

That threat doesn’t always show up as timid fear – sometimes, it shows up as a roar. Think of someone threatening your child or beloved pet. Would your fear show up with tentativeness? Probably not. It would be fierce. The same instinct can kick in when something we’re deeply attached to feels threatened—even if that attachment is an idea.

But if we can soften that grip—if we can see our identity as something that evolves, instead of something fixed—that flexibility opens us to something far more powerful: growth. We make space for new information, for learning, for listening. We give ourselves permission to live in alignment with who we are now, not just who we were told to be or what we used to believe.

This doesn’t mean we have to abandon every belief we’ve ever held. But we can ask:

• Is this still true for me?

• What meaning have I attached to this identity or group?

• Where did that meaning come from—and is it aligned with how I want to live?

• Am I defending this belief, or am I living it?

• Can I make room for new perspectives without losing myself?

We are not our beliefs. We are not our roles or affiliations. We are the ones holding the beliefs. And that means we get to choose.

I recently found myself in a conversation where someone shared a perspective that challenged a widely accepted narrative—one that carries a lot of emotional and historical weight. I could sense how deeply their view was tied to a belief system they hold dear, and how uncomfortable it might feel for them to face a story that paints that system in a painful light.

In the past, I might have rushed to correct or distance myself. But in that moment, I didn’t feel the need to defend anything. I listened. I asked questions. I stayed curious.

Not because I agreed. Not because I didn’t care.
But because I no longer feel the need to guard a belief in order to feel safe, or good, or right.

We can subscribe to something without clinging to it. We can honour our values while allowing space for complexity.
And in doing so, we make room to think critically, to evolve, and to connect—without shutting down or shutting others out.

When we give ourselves permission to loosen the grip, we reclaim something vital: the ability to change. And in that change, we often find more peace, more presence, and more authenticity than we ever could in trying to stay the same.

You are not your job title.
You are not your religion or political leaning.
You are not the labels others gave you—or the ones you’ve given yourself along the way.

Those things may shape your experience, but they are not the whole of who you are.

Who you are is deeper. Softer. Wiser.
You are the one who notices.
The one who listens.
The one who keeps growing.

You are not what you’ve held.
You are how you choose to hold it now.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina