Embracing the Unburdening – When It’s Not About You After All

Welcome back!

Here’s a question I didn’t realize I was carrying for so much of my life:
“What does this mean about me?”

Our brains are meaning-making machines, and they do it so quickly we often don’t even realize it. Something doesn’t go the way we hoped, and suddenly we’ve made it mean something about us.
Someone asks about the next step in our life, and we feel like it means we’re behind.
A loved one shares that they felt hurt by something we did, and instead of listening, we immediately start defending ourselves—because we’re afraid of what it’ll mean about us if it’s true.

These are adaptive processes, shaped long before we had conscious awareness—often in childhood, when our sense of safety depended on how we were perceived and received. So, we learned to monitor, to please, to explain, to defend—hoping to stay close, safe, or approved of.

But over time, this habit of filtering everything through “what does this mean about me?” can leave us feeling heavy, reactive, and deeply self-critical.
It becomes easy to define ourselves by what’s happening outside of us—by how someone responds to us, by what they think of us, or what we think they think of us, and even by what they don’t say.

For example, when someone I care about is sharing something vulnerable—especially if they’re expressing pain I might have contributed to—it’s so tempting to listen through that filter. What does this mean about me? Are they saying I’m bad, selfish, inconsiderate?
When I do that, I stop listening. I get caught in proving my intentions, in protecting my image, in distancing myself from blame. Underneath that defensiveness is usually a desire to stay connected—which often results in the opposite.

But when I notice that tendency—and choose not to follow it—I’m more able to stay present. I can listen to what they’re actually saying. And more often than not, the conversation becomes deeper. More honest. More healing.

There’s a softening that happens when we realize that most things are, in fact, not about us.
That someone’s reaction may have more to do with their history than our worth.
That someone’s silence might reflect their overwhelm—not our failure.
That feedback can be offered without it becoming our identity.

Conversations feel less charged. We take fewer things personally. And we stop bracing for judgment in every pause or look.

When we can release the fear of what something “means about us,” we create space. Space to show up more fully in relationships. Space to stretch beyond our comfort zone. Space to receive without shame and reflect without self-blame.

To be clear, this shift isn’t about closing ourselves off to feedback.
It doesn’t mean we ignore impact. It means we hold it with curiosity instead of collapse.

It’s true that someone’s reaction often reveals more about them than about us—but if we’re consistently receiving feedback about a particular pattern, that’s worth exploring. Not because it defines us. But because it offers an invitation to check in:
Are my actions aligned with my values?
Am I showing up the way I hope to?

This kind of reflection is honest and compassionate. It’s not about proving we’re good. It’s about staying rooted in what matters most—and being willing to grow from that place.

Here are a few supportive practices to help soften the filter that makes everything feel personal— and return to grounded presence.

• Name the Spiral: When you notice the instinct to defend yourself—or catch yourself wondering what something “means about you”—gently name it. “I’m personalizing this.” This simple awareness can interrupt the pattern and create just enough space to respond differently.

• Anchor in the Body: Place one hand on your chest or belly and feel your breath for a few moments. Let your exhale be long and slow. When we reconnect to our body, we shift out of overthinking and into the present moment.

• Get Curious Instead of Assuming: Instead of deciding what something means, ask yourself: “Is there another possibility here?” or “What else could be true?” This softens the grip of certainty and makes room for nuance.
  And if you notice you’re filling in the blanks in a conversation, try inviting the other person to clarify: “Can you tell me more about that?” Curiosity opens the door to connection—certainty often shuts it.

• Practice Reframing Impact: If someone shares that they were hurt by your words or actions, try responding with: “I hear you—and I want to understand more.” This shifts the focus from “I didn’t mean to” to “I care that you felt hurt.”

• Discern What’s Yours to Carry: When someone’s upset, it’s natural to wonder what you did wrong. But not every emotion expressed in your presence is about you. Instead of rushing to take it on, pause and ask:
  “What part of me wants to make this about me?”
  “Is this actually about me—or am I absorbing their emotion because I’m uncomfortable with their discomfort?”
  “And what would it feel like to stay present without rescuing or retreating?”

Letting go of the belief that everything is about us can feel uncomfortable. But it’s also liberating. It invites us to live with more openness, more compassion, and more ease.

It doesn’t mean we don’t care.
It means we care differently—with less fear, and more self-trust.

When we stop assuming everything reflects our worth or failure, we become steadier. Not harder, not colder—just clearer.
We listen more. We defend less. We pause before reacting.
And from that place, we have more room to actually respond—to ourselves, and to others—with honesty and care.

We don’t lose our sense of responsibility.
We gain the ability to discern what’s truly ours.
We realize that the reflection we’re seeing is often our own belief, fear, or unmet need.

There’s strength in knowing the difference.
And there’s freedom in releasing the rest.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina