Embracing Reciprocity – Taking an Honest Look at What We’re Asking For

Hello there, Lovely Soul,

What qualities are most important to you in a friend? Or in a partner?
Trustworthiness? Honesty? Kindness? Compassion? Openness?

Whatever’s on your list, this isn’t about judgment.
It’s about noticing the gap that sometimes shows up between what we long to receive—and what we’re actually able to offer.

We often become acutely aware of what’s missing:
The friend who always focuses on the negative.
The partner who gets defensive when we share that something hurt.
The roommate who never apologizes.
The sibling who only calls when they need something.

But here’s the reflection I keep returning to:
In that same relationship—am I offering what I’m asking for?

That question can stir a lot of discomfort. It takes courage and compassion to hold up the mirror.
Can we notice when we struggle to soften our defenses?
Can we see the moments when we criticize instead of communicate… without spiraling into shame?

This isn’t about being perfect.
It’s not about never slipping up, or always showing up with radical grace.
But it is about noticing the patterns.
Not just in others—but in ourselves.

Because relationships aren’t one-sided. They’re not only about what we can get. And they’re not only about our needs. They’re also about what we’re choosing and able to offer, and how willing we are to see the full picture—especially when it’s uncomfortable.

Sometimes, we are offering the things we’re asking for…most of the time.
And when we’re not, we hope the other person will offer us grace in those moments.

But if we long for patience when we’re in a bad mood…
Are we patient when they’re in theirs?

If we want them to hear us with curiosity instead of defense…
Are we able to stay open when they bring something to us?

These questions don’t always feel good. They’ve been tender for me too.
There have been times where I’ve caught myself assigning more weight to someone else’s reaction than to my own—justifying my behaviour, but not extending the same nuance to theirs.

It makes sense.
The part of us that feels vulnerable in relationships is always scanning: Do I feel safe here? Do I feel seen? Is this a good fit?

But when our self-protection is in the driver’s seat, we can miss the good.
We focus on the moment our partner didn’t laugh at our joke… instead of all the inside jokes we share.
We zoom in on one instance of disconnection… instead of all the moments of quiet repair.

This isn’t about pretending that everything’s fine when it’s not.
If, after honest reflection, we find we’re consistently showing up with care and alignment, but the dynamic doesn’t feel reciprocal—then it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

But before we jump to conclusions, it’s worth asking:
Have I taken an honest look at my own patterns, too?
Am I offering what I’m asking for?

If you’re curious to explore this more deeply, here are a few reflections to guide you.

1. Start with a values-based list: Write down 3-5 qualities that matter most to you in a close relationship (e.g., kindness, presence, trust, accountability).

2. For each quality, ask yourself:

   · Do I offer this to the other person?

   · What gets in the way when I don’t?

   · Are there moments when I expect it from them but struggle to give it myself?

3. Reflect on your self-awareness:

   · Am I as willing to look at my own reactions as I am to name theirs?

   · Do I tend to justify my behaviour while critiquing theirs?

4. Notice patterns—not perfection:

   · When I think about this relationship, am I focusing on what’s missing or also acknowledging what’s working?

   · Do I offer grace for their human moments—or hold them to a higher standard than I hold myself to?

5. Consider your capacity:

   · Am I expecting things I’m not able to offer because I’m depleted or hurt?

   · What would help me show up more in alignment with what I value?

Sometimes the deepest growth in our relationships starts with the willingness to turn inward.
Not to blame ourselves.
But to see ourselves clearly.

To notice when we’ve been asking for things we haven’t yet learned to give.
To soften around our own edges.
To extend the same grace we long for.

It’s not about perfection.
It’s about alignment.
And the beautiful, messy, ongoing work of practicing what we value.

If this reflection stirred something in you and you’d like support navigating your relationships with more clarity and self-trust, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina